Halfrican Dreamer and Confused Ramblings

Grief rises and crashes like waves.

It’s a truth I’m appreciating a lot more of late, and I find that as I begin to grieve, genuinely, for my losses–teaching, San Diego, church community–the strangest emotions happen. I am overwhelmed, tumbling end over end of feeling and sensation and depths of sorrow, weeping and gasping for air. No less than two minutes later, the waves subside and I’m clear-headed, calm, emotionally emptied, and able to think or process.

Newly settled, I calmly make myself tea in the kitchen. Or would, if I hadn’t sent my tea kettle home with my mother yesterday. I instead boiled water in the microwave with my one remaining bowl, poured it into a remaining ceramic cup and dropped my one remaining tea bag into it. It’s like Soviet Russia in here, just with better weather and less borscht.

I am aware now–I like to think I am–I am aware now! ~Alanis Morissette, “Head Over Feet”.

Starting last Tuesday, I began the ten day countdown. Each day has had a mild sense of urgency, a need to appreciate what I have here while I still can. I’ve gone to UCSD to say goodbye to professors, I’ve had lunches and coffees and pancakes and massages and yogurt sessions, and I’ve been trying to process all the bullshit and joy and hope and nausea and horrendous life choices that have made up my two years of adult life and seven years total in San Diego.

The feelings are hard, they come fast and free, and it’s so hard, guys. It’s hard because I’m afraid I’ll regress on some of the progress I’v emade here in my life. I’m afraid, I’ll falter. I’m afraid I’ll forget some of these life lessons. I’m afraid I’ll fuck it all up somehow. I’m afraid because I love San Diego, I love California, I love my friends, I adore the communities I live in, it’s all very comfortable….adn I’m trading it for what? My dream of academic growth? In a snowy, cold place with crazy ass weather where I’ll feel dumb often? Where I hardly know anybody?

Grief is a weird, creepy ass process. And it’s a bitch. I’m crying often, then perfectly fine.

I’m going to miss you guys, a lot.

I’m going to love it when I’m driving into the future, and I’m gonna be overwhelmed by the awesome challenges, but right now all I can see is loss. Is that weird?
So don’t lose the way
You can do no wrong
And don’t spend your days just trying to be strong
when you don’t know your name
you know it’s okay, you can do it
cuz you have the right

To shake the loneliness and shine the light
take all your tears save ‘em for a rainy night
go and wish on every star that’s fallen
shake your head and wonder when it’s all to good to be true
like a whole new you
it’s too good to be true
like a whole new you

I get to reinvent myself. Not Madonna-style; there will be no hair dyes and pretentious Eastern pseudophilosophy (although maybe a fake British accent). I can be anyone I want, anyhow. And I’m going to be shcked rudely and forced to grow up again.

I’m terrified.

I’m nervous.

I’m excited.

I’m anxious.

A whole new me, eh?

Wait til I stop bobbing up and down on these waves of grief, like a surfer waiting for next big one to ride. I’m sitting on my board, squinting into the late afternoon sun, breeze in my hair, wondering what the hell is coming next.

Ironically enough, I’ll be thousands of miles from an ocean. Lakes, Great or otherwise, don’t count.

How am I feeling?:: anxious
What’s playing?:: Shawn Colvin – A Whole New You

While journaling yesterday, absentmindedly and trying to feel connected to the God I love and reconcile him to the life that occasionally feels very out of my control, I came across this quote:
“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears. “
Cesare Pavese (1908-1950)

Really, Cesare?

Because I’m getting ready to travel far and fast, and I didn’t even realize those additional weights, sitting like excess weight, about me. I am somewhat aware of my ever so charming neuroses, body consciousness issues, insecurities, and needs to love and be loved. But I don’t know if I can let them go. I don’t know if I want to let them go.

And to whom? my brain screamed. I knew the answer, but the metaphysical idea of surrendering my feelings to a Deity I worship but occasionally doubt the existence of is less than facile.

It’s been an odd week or so. I came back from Mexico changed and humbled, yet tired and disoriented. I’ve given my 30 day notice, cleaned out my classroom, begun active apartment searching, tried to learn to say goodbye to thins and people I love, and made eighteen mistakes along the way. I pulled or strained or stretched a ligament(s) in my right foot, embarrassingly, then decided to run and play football in a silly display of masculinity. I’ve been hobbling about a bit this week, but now I’m bandaged up and after a lengthy trip to the X-Ray technician, apparently I’m not as bad as I feared, which is indeed a pleasant update.

If you want to travel fast and light….

How?

What does that mean?

What do I have to give up to the smiling, unflappably loving Deity, who irritatingly accepts me when I dont’ want it?

I don’t want to leave, but now I know I have to. This is what I was meant to do, this is my calling, this is my life plan. It’s just so hard to exist simultaneously in two worlds at once, an irony not lost on a biracial child who’s spent the last seven years existing between San Diego and Los Angeles. I dont’ know how to transition, I just know I’m ’sposed to.

I’m going to miss so many things. I’m going to miss the ease. The security. The comfort of knowing simple things from Cafe 1134 to Cuyamaca to City College to Club Aero. Of knowing my local cement rivers, Won Sikhs-Tithree, Fyfe, Hayght O’Fyfe, and the Hayght. Of moving between FPS, Ethnos, UCSD, and the like with relative security.

Things make sense here.

God, it’s hard and scary. And I know God is good and big and marvelous and all, but I’m so afraid of what I don’t know.

I’ve been greatly enjoying reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer. It’s a bit science fictiony, and a little over the top (a bit like Animorphs for the grown-up set), but I love the discussions of displacement, hope, emotion, simultaneously existing, and the like. I am enjoying the story, and the chance to feel what this loss is the main character is experiencing, of dying to one experience, yet living still to another. Odd.

How am I feeling?:: curious
What’s playing?:: Adele – Best For Last