Halfrican Dreamer and Confused Ramblings

You said the thing you said and you twisted me up
I don’t feel any different but there it is in my head
Stuck like glue, like a molecule
Like my brain, a speeding train
I’ll never be the same
Will we always be the same

You did the thing you did, and it twisted me up
Now I’m wrestling with reality
Waiting for the bell to ring
And you kill me, you still me
Come find me, don’t loose me
That is all I want, that is all I want

Beneath my happy demeanor, and my general encouragement and delight toward everyone around me; beneath that, lies a good deal of discomfort, anger, even a bit of fury. This is a strange sensation for me, as I am quite frankly, very rarely angry. But I am so angry. And so hurting, and so irritated, and covering it so very poorly, picking fights with people who dont’ deserve it, taking offense where none exists, finding new reasons for venting feelings I don’t want to acknowledge–in short, dealing very poorly.

The simple truth is, the traumatic events of February that happened between me and another person haven’t really been dealt with, personally, and they haven’t healed well. I’ve simply found other things to do, and while I have had a LOT to do, this is a bit excessive. Stuff with E devolved quickly, tragically, almost comically into a horrible farce of everything and reconfirmed so much about I fear about even attempting to share openly with people. I dont’ want to be in a relationship, if relationships are simply allowing heartache or destruction, which is something I’ve always feared. I’m not some die-hard theorist that believes that love is a bourgeois convention but I’m close. I think it’s great for others, but I so desperately want to wall my heart off as if it were a rare cask of Amontillado used to lure an unsuspecting nobleman to his destruction.

And in the morning when I wash my face
I see happy, I see tired
I see ugly, I see peaceful
I’m waiting, running, I’m not angry or wired
I just get a little worried sometimes

The sky, the rising sun… Solitary
And you my only only one… Solitary
No time, no end believe… Solitary

I genuinely care for everyone around me and want to let my friends know that they are legitimately special and worth loving. But damnit, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling, I’m tired of thinking, and I’m afraid that I’ll never figure all this out, particularly after I move to the Midwest, and become even more distracted by the absurdity that is my hectic existence. I’m having huge issues trusting people around me now, and it’s been hard to talk to God and admit to the Deity that I love that I also struggle with trusting him. I struggle with letting this anger go. I struggle with realizing that what happened with E. was not my fault. I struggle with recognizing that the same grace I extend to others c an be obtained for me, and I struggle with believing that God is bigger than all this.

I *know* he is on some levels, but this is exactly where faith comes in. I have a shitty situation, compounded by family problems and a father who is dismissive of my graduate school choice (as if a man who failed out of college has a substantial stake in my academic endeavors). I kjnow fully that the only way out of this is to trust God in his infinte power, to acknowledge who he is, and to really come in a true manner that acknowledges my totall messed up-ness and tries to embrace him in spite of it all. But that ish is haaard, fools. And totally not what i *want* to do.

I’m trying. I’m trying to let some of this go. I’m trying to work through all this before I leave.

But I’m angry, I’m uneven, I’m not together. I think I’m making steps toward it, but I’m nowhere near understanding for sure.

And I thought, perhaps I’d be honest about all that.

So welcome to a rare insight into my thoughts, and perhaps this will explain how and why I’ve been acting like I have.

On an unrelated note, I’m sitting here, tired and overcaffeinated at the southwest terminal at the San Diego airport, grating my teeth at the news my flights been delayed. Yet in the back of my thoughts I smile at the memory of this afternoon, when students held a surprise going away party in honor of me and another teacher, and gave us gifts and told us how much we meant to them. I’m going to hold to that, because I make a difference. Because people’s lives are better on some level because I’m here. I’m going to hold to that for now.

But I won’t let that define me. ‘Cuz God knows I’ve gotta learn how to accept grace and not just see my value in helping others.

And speaking of God knows…he knows I’m trying to learn how to trust him. Silly Deity.

How am I feeling?:: anxious
What’s playing?:: Skye – Solitary